I spent the better part of my life trying desperately to find my place. To find where I fit in. Where I could be a part of and contribute to something bigger than myself. I, of course, did not realize that was what I was doing. It took an incredibly traumatic experience in my little world that resulted in me having essentially no one left in my life for me to realize…that I didn’t have any idea exactly who the hell I was.
So, with no one left in my life to fill up all of my interpersonal time slots, I had to find something to do with myself so that I didn’t end up as a statistic. So I did the only thing I could think to do with myself…which was something that I’d always had, that had always called me and fed me…I went into the backcountry. I went to the river. I got out my camera and my fishing pole. I strapped on my hiking boots and went exploring. Ultimately, I went out experiencing.
Unknowingly, these steps I took out of self-preservation were the first steps towards my healing…the first steps towards discovery of my true self. As time passed I started to recognize that there was a draw deep in my chest towards the outdoors, to the fringes of development. You know the place, that urge right under your sternum, the place that always tells you when you’ve done something wrong, the place that, if you listen to it, always knows what’s best for you, what you truly need….that place felt as if it were being drawn to the experience. To go and capture that experience and bring it back for others to see. With words, photography and video. Why? I don’t know. A lot of people do this, and far better than I no less. But it’s drawn me to it. As I began to listen to my sternum I began to see a pattern:
Feel down
Go explore
Take pictures
Be edified
In this the picture began to take shape. Who am I? A chaser of the experiences this incredible planet has to offer. And someone who wants to share the beauty I see in it with others. And ultimately, hopefully…encourage others to do the same.
My career granted me the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to live on the central California coast for two months at the beginning of 2019. I found myself in an existential vacuum. Devoid of any family or friends, in a strange but magnificently beautiful land with nothing but time on my hands to explore, and ultimately, ponder the philosophy of my own life.
And there, in California, knee deep in a frigid creek amongst the redwoods in January trying to take a photograph…I found myself.
This…this…is me.
The sharp rocks against the bottom of my nearly frozen feet, cold, clear, rushing water around my legs beneath the towering redwoods…this is me. This is experiencing this world. This is where I fit…and don’t fit…in.
It does not matter if someone else thinks it’s weird, or thinks that I’m crazy. We all have our own truth. We have our own place. This is mine. It says far more about those who have enough time on their hands to be critical of the things I love, than it does about me, by far.
I heard a poem that inspired this idea of mine on a podcast called Paddling Adventures Radio some time ago, as mentioned by an incredible man named Mike Ranta (Google him…absolute treasure), and it resonated with me. It spoke of men and women who simply do not conform to everyday societal expectations. It described me to myself. It described how others see people like me. And it all came together for me. My place in this world is simply being me. Embracing myself for all of my quirks and idiosyncrasies and simply being that. No matter how others see me, or what they want me to be.
This is what the concept is all about. Be yourself. Embrace your truth. I Believe that every human being on this planet has intrinsic value simply because they are alive. We, of course, have every bearing on whether we maintain our value through our actions in the world. But at a basic, core level, you have value. Just as you are. Not because of what you can offer to other people. Just because you exist. As I’ve gone about my adventures I’ve met many people. I am a talker as anyone who knows me will tell you, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. My life is an open book. When I begin to share with others, they tend to share back. In these interactions I’ve learned something. Everyone has their own tragedy or trauma. Everyone needs to be reminded they have value. Everyone needs to know they aren’t alone. As it turns out, sharing seems to facilitate healing. That is exactly where this idea came from. To provide a place for everyone to share their stories. I’ve had some very emotional conversations with near-complete strangers on the edge of a river bank somewhere, or on a trail deep in the mountains. They were all out there finding themselves, finding their peace, their healing…and ultimately, their truth.
So, after a lifetime of trying to be a version of me that’s tailored to the comforts and tastes of other people, I’ve finally discovered some truths I believe we can all use in our lives. One of which is that you can overcome traumatic life experiences, you can overcome being victimized and lead a full, happy, healthy life. You don’t have to be what anyone expects of you. You only have to be true to yourself. And that is how this all ties in. This is how my outdoor adventures tie into this idea I keep talking about…healing, finding and embracing yourself. My adventures are simply me showing you that a life full of adventure and fulfillment is possible beyond the events that negatively impact your life. And I hope to be able to use this more broadly interesting platform of outdoor adventure to share the lessons I’ve learned as I’ve travelled this path of my life. And moreover, provide a platform for everyone to share their stories of self-discovery.
Find yourself. Be yourself. Embrace your story….without apology.
~ Wayward Son 12/01/2019